The Consent Guide: Everything You need To Know
“Hello there! I’m here to provide you with a bit of information on the various aspects of consent to normalize this concept and help you feel understood during your journey of growth and healing. Experiencing abuse in any form is NOT OKAY, but what you are experiencing as a result of abuse is valid.
Please know that healing is not a formula and is not for anyone else to define for you. You do you, and you follow all that you need to follow, to help yourself.
If you need additional resources or just someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to The Neeti Project."
“Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. The concept of consent may not appear too difficult to comprehend then!”
What is consent?
What is consent in terms of sexual activity?
Remember FEAST (Free, Endless, Aware, Sure, Transparent)!
- You should be given the space to voluntarily and freely consent without being threatened or forced by anyone.
2. Consent
is Endless:- It
is necessary for consent to be given continuously during sexual activity by the
person/s involved.
- You
have the right to stop or withdraw your consent at any given point in time prior
to engaging or during sexual activity.
- You
are not obligated to give consent all the time if you have engaged in sexual
activity before. For example, if you have engaged in sexual activity ten times,
it is not necessary and should not be assumed that you would want to engage in
sexual activity the 11th time.
3. Consent involves being Aware:
- You and your partner/s should communicate and be aware of the sexual activities you are going to engage in.
- Communication
must include information regarding presence of any sexually transmitted
diseases (STD’s), birth control methods, environment suitability, comforts and
discomforts.
4. Consent includes being Sure: - You and your partner/s should be sure that both or all of you are ready to engage in sexual activity.
- If
you and/ or your partner/s are hesitant to engage in any form of sexual
activity, it is important to acknowledge this and engage in a conversation
about one’s comfort levels.
5. Consent is Transparent: - Consent
must be given clearly by you and your partner/s.
- Clear
consent cannot be given if you or your partner/s is/are sleeping, unconscious,
or under the influence of alcohol or drugs (Understanding
Consent, 2021; Sexual Consent, 2021).
How do you talk about consent with your partner?
Here are some basic questions or statements you can ask or
tell your partner/s to ensure that they are comfortable and have given consent
prior to and during sexual activity:
1. Can I __________ ?
2. Do you want me to do __________?
3. Are you certain you want to do this?
4. Can we continue with this?
5. It is alright if you don't want to do this.
6. Do you want to do something else?
For each of these questions or statements, if the person
concerned answers “yes”, it means consent has been given. However, if a person
answers “no”, it means they have not consented. Forcing someone into any
form of sexual activity is unacceptable as each person has a right to exercise
their choice, feel comfortable and have their boundaries respected (How Do
I Talk About Consent, 2021).
What are some myths surrounding consent?
1. Consent is only about saying "No":
The phrase “no means no” is widely recognized
today due to increasing social awareness surrounding sexual coercion and the
actual increase in number of sexual assault cases. This has painted a picture
of sexual activity being a negative experience as it is associated with the
term no. This myth is false as consent can also mean you and your
partner/s agreeing to engage in enjoyable sexual activity.
At the same time, if your partner
isn’t communicating the term “no”, it cannot be assumed that he, she, or they are
okay with engaging in sexual activity.
2. You only require consent once: Some people assume that it is sufficient to ask for consent
once prior to engaging in sexual activity. This is false, as it is
important to ask consent every time there is an escalation of sexual activity.
3. Consent ruins the moment:
This is false as there are ways to convey consent while giving physical
signals to your partner that show you are enjoying the moment. It is important to
remember that saying “yes” for the sake of not ruining the moment is not a sign
of a healthy relationship. Sexual activity needs to be comfortable for everyone
involved.
4. Consent is only asked by males and given by females:
This is false as the people involved need to be comfortable regardless of
gender and power dynamics. Popular misconceptions include ideas about men
always initiating sexual activity and constantly being comfortable during sex.
This is untrue as women can also initiate sexual activity and ask for consent.
It is not wrong for men to say “no” to certain types of sexual activity and it
should not be assumed that men will always say “yes”.
5. It is alright for consent to be presumed:
This idea is false. Consent cannot be assumed regardless of a person’s
clothing, flirting or initiation of sexual activity. It cannot be presumed that
a person is asking for an escalation of sexual activity without their verbal
consent. It cannot be assumed that a person will agree to engage in sexual
activity a second time, just because he or she consented for the first (Libertin,
2018).
What is not consent?
The use of force, threats, pressure, or substances to make
someone unwillingly engage in sexual activity is called ‘sexual coercion’.
Sexual coercion does not involve consent, which means the person
involved did not give a firm “yes” to engage in sexual activity. Sexual
coercion results in various forms of sexual assault.
Here are a few examples to highlight various types of sexual
coercion (Understanding Consent, 2021):
1. A person continuously tries to convince another person to engage in any form of sexual activity even after the person has said "no".
2. A person makes another person feel like they owe them sexual activity. Some example phrases are:
a. "I bought you food the other day so you must engage in sex with me"
b. "I have been waiting for this for days"
c. "I am turned on so we have to do it"
3. A person gives dishonest praises to another person to engage in sexual activity. This includes passing lewd comments about the other persons appearance.
4. A person hassles, yells, or uses physical force to engage in sexual activity.
5. A person consistently encourages the use of alcohol or provides alcohol prior to engaging in sexual activity.
6. A person compels another person to engage in sexual activity because they are in a relationship. This includes phrases like:
a. "If you love me, you will have sex"
b. "If you don't have sex with me, I will leave you"
c. "I will find someone else"
7. A person cant take no for answer and responds to it with unhappiness or continues to compel the other person.
8. A person regularizes expectations or claims they have to engage in sexual activity.
___________________________________________________________________________________
References
American Sexual Health Association. (2021). Understanding
consent. https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/understanding-consent/
Blue Seat Studios. (2015, May 12). Tea consent [Video].
Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
Libertin, A. (2018, March 23). 5 myths about consent. https://hawcdv.org/5-myths-about-consent/
Planned Parenthood (2021). How do I talk about consent. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent/how-do-i-talk-about-consent
Planned Parenthood (2021). Sexual consent. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent#:~:text=Sexual%20consent%20is%20an%20agreement%20to%20participate%20in%20a%20sexual%20activity.&text=Both%20people%20must%20agree%20to,Freely%20given.
Y
- It
is necessary for consent to be given continuously during sexual activity by the
person/s involved.
- You
have the right to stop or withdraw your consent at any given point in time prior
to engaging or during sexual activity.
- You are not obligated to give consent all the time if you have engaged in sexual activity before. For example, if you have engaged in sexual activity ten times, it is not necessary and should not be assumed that you would want to engage in sexual activity the 11th time.
- You and your partner/s should communicate and be aware of the sexual activities you are going to engage in.
- Communication must include information regarding presence of any sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s), birth control methods, environment suitability, comforts and discomforts.
- You and your partner/s should be sure that both or all of you are ready to engage in sexual activity.
- If you and/ or your partner/s are hesitant to engage in any form of sexual activity, it is important to acknowledge this and engage in a conversation about one’s comfort levels.
- Consent must be given clearly by you and your partner/s.
- Clear consent cannot be given if you or your partner/s is/are sleeping, unconscious, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs (Understanding Consent, 2021; Sexual Consent, 2021).
How do you talk about consent with your partner?
Here are some basic questions or statements you can ask or tell your partner/s to ensure that they are comfortable and have given consent prior to and during sexual activity:
1. Can I __________ ?
2. Do you want me to do __________?
3. Are you certain you want to do this?
4. Can we continue with this?
5. It is alright if you don't want to do this.
6. Do you want to do something else?
For each of these questions or statements, if the person concerned answers “yes”, it means consent has been given. However, if a person answers “no”, it means they have not consented. Forcing someone into any form of sexual activity is unacceptable as each person has a right to exercise their choice, feel comfortable and have their boundaries respected (How Do I Talk About Consent, 2021).
What are some myths surrounding consent?
Some people assume that it is sufficient to ask for consent
once prior to engaging in sexual activity. This is false, as it is
important to ask consent every time there is an escalation of sexual activity.
3. Consent ruins the moment:
This is false as there are ways to convey consent while giving physical signals to your partner that show you are enjoying the moment. It is important to remember that saying “yes” for the sake of not ruining the moment is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Sexual activity needs to be comfortable for everyone involved.
4. Consent is only asked by males and given by females:
This is false as the people involved need to be comfortable regardless of
gender and power dynamics. Popular misconceptions include ideas about men
always initiating sexual activity and constantly being comfortable during sex.
This is untrue as women can also initiate sexual activity and ask for consent.
It is not wrong for men to say “no” to certain types of sexual activity and it
should not be assumed that men will always say “yes”.
5. It is alright for consent to be presumed:
This idea is false. Consent cannot be assumed regardless of a person’s clothing, flirting or initiation of sexual activity. It cannot be presumed that a person is asking for an escalation of sexual activity without their verbal consent. It cannot be assumed that a person will agree to engage in sexual activity a second time, just because he or she consented for the first (Libertin, 2018).
What is not consent?
The use of force, threats, pressure, or substances to make
someone unwillingly engage in sexual activity is called ‘sexual coercion’.
Sexual coercion does not involve consent, which means the person
involved did not give a firm “yes” to engage in sexual activity. Sexual
coercion results in various forms of sexual assault.
Here are a few examples to highlight various types of sexual coercion (Understanding Consent, 2021):
1. A person continuously tries to convince another person to engage in any form of sexual activity even after the person has said "no".
2. A person makes another person feel like they owe them sexual activity. Some example phrases are:
a. "I bought you food the other day so you must engage in sex with me"
b. "I have been waiting for this for days"
c. "I am turned on so we have to do it"
3. A person gives dishonest praises to another person to engage in sexual activity. This includes passing lewd comments about the other persons appearance.
4. A person hassles, yells, or uses physical force to engage in sexual activity.
5. A person consistently encourages the use of alcohol or provides alcohol prior to engaging in sexual activity.
6. A person compels another person to engage in sexual activity because they are in a relationship. This includes phrases like:
a. "If you love me, you will have sex"
b. "If you don't have sex with me, I will leave you"
c. "I will find someone else"
7. A person cant take no for answer and responds to it with unhappiness or continues to compel the other person.
8. A person regularizes expectations or claims they have to engage in sexual activity.
___________________________________________________________________________________
References
American Sexual Health Association. (2021). Understanding
consent. https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/understanding-consent/
Blue Seat Studios. (2015, May 12). Tea consent [Video].
Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
Libertin, A. (2018, March 23). 5 myths about consent. https://hawcdv.org/5-myths-about-consent/
Planned Parenthood (2021). How do I talk about consent. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent/how-do-i-talk-about-consent
Planned Parenthood (2021). Sexual consent. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent#:~:text=Sexual%20consent%20is%20an%20agreement%20to%20participate%20in%20a%20sexual%20activity.&text=Both%20people%20must%20agree%20to,Freely%20given.
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