Bystander Support: Qualities & Skills needed during Survivor Disclosure or Recovery

 “Hello there! I’m here to provide you with a bit of information on a few personal skills and traits that can come in handy when you're supporting a survivor who has confronted any violation or violence. I would like to remind you that suggestions on this post should not be taken as a one-size-fits-all approach. What the survivor is  undergoing after having confronted a traumatic experience is normal. What you are going through while supporting a survivor is absolutely okay and typical too!  If you need additional resources or just someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to The Neeti Project."

Who is a survivor?

A survivor is any individual who identifies as having had their personal space invaded by another person or people, or has encountered sexual and gender-based violence. 

What is a Disclosure? 

A disclosure is when a person conveys a certain private or secret information to another person or a group of people. In this instance, the private or secret information pertains to the sexual and gender-based violence or violation the survivor confronted. The information can be conveyed by the survivor soon after the unfortunate event occurred or the event may have occurred long in the past. 

Useful Bystander Traits or Skills when Responding to a Disclosure: 

• Allow the Disclosure to be about the Survivor: Listen to the survivors account rather than disclose a similar incident you may have experienced. Listening to your experience regarding a violation/s or violence may not help the survivor. The survivor may feel compelled to provide you with support when they are already experiencing a lot. 
• The ability to control your personal emotions and allow the moment of disclosure to be entirely about the survivor's experience: Listening to a disclosure from a loved one can be distressful for you as a bystander because you care for the survivor. It is normal to experience emotions like sadness, rage, annoyance, etc. towards the perpetrator or the situation. These emotions can translate into behaviors like crying, raising your voice, etc. in the presence of the survivor. However, it is essential that you are able to manage these behaviors while in the presence of the survivor because this may cause the survivor greater stress. 
• Empathy: Trying to put yourself in the survivor's shoes and understand why they must be feeling or reacting a particular way as a result of the traumatic incident. 
• Patience
• Being Non-Judgmental: Since there exists immense societal stigma around sex and sexuality, conversations related to these topics are viewed as taboo.  Fearing shame or humiliation, survivors of sexual and gender-based violence may find it extremely difficult to disclose their encounter. Therefore, it is crucial to contemplate and acknowledge that violence is more about perpetrators exerting power, aggression, control, and indulging in dehumanization, and that survivors should be heard without any 'moral' judgements being passed. 
• Listening skills: The ability to be attentive and effectively interpret what the survivor chooses to communicate. 
• Communication skills:  The ability to share your thoughts effectively to the survivor in response to their disclosure. It includes verbal communication, facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc. that can encourage or discourage a survivor to disclose their experience to you. 
• Being Observant: Taking hints from the survivors communications or behaviors can be useful in grasping what they may require in that moment or even long-term. 
• Caring for the survivor isn't about you. It's About the Survivor: If you choose to be present for the survivor during the time of their disclosure, healing, and/ or recovery, keep in mind that: 
• the survivor may not necessarily disclose or heal the way you would. Everyone is unique and if you observe the survivor undergoing a different healing process, it does not mean they are not recovering at all. It simply means they are different and can choose how much ever time and any process to heal. 

Keep in Mind!

• Every individual is not born with the traits or skills mentioned above. In fact, very few people may have ALL the qualities and skills stated. However, it can make a positive difference if you choose to acknowledge the areas you need to work on. Acceptance of ones deficiencies does not imply weakness. It indicates maturity and a willingness to grow as an individual. 

It's easy for me to provide you with these tips but in reality, it may be difficult for you - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps physically -  to be there for the survivor who has undergone A LOT. If you feel like you are unable to be there for the survivor in the best way possible or your presence is deterring the survivor from recovery, then it is absolutely okay to ensure that there are others to fill your place in supporting the survivor and take a step back. However, before you make this decision, it is important to discuss this with the survivor. Good communication is key. 

• Convey how supporting the survivor could possibly prevent the survivor from reaching their full capacity.
• Do not convey how supporting the survivor is stressful for you as this may increase the survivor's existing guilt.  
• Do not take time away from the survivor without discussing it with them first as this could cause the survivor to feel more isolated, lonely, sad, etc. leading to greater self-blame, depression, anxiety, etc. 

If you decide to continue supporting the survivor but require assistance on better managing your states of mind while doing so, click here!