Trauma Bonding: Why Do I Feel Attached to my Abuser?
“Hello there! I’m here to provide you with a bit of information on why you may be feeling attached or affectionate towards the person or people hurting you to normalize these states of mind and help you feel understood during your journey of growth and healing. I would like to remind you that suggestions on this post should not be taken as medical advice, therapy, or as a one-size-fits-all approach. Keep in mind that every individual’s journey of experiencing and navigating through stress or trauma is distinctive because you are one of a kind and no person is truly like you! Experiencing abuse in any form is NOT OKAY, but what you are experiencing as a result of abuse is valid.
Please know that healing is not a formula and is not for anyone else to define for you. You do you, and you follow all that you need to follow, to help yourself.
If you need additional resources or just someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to The Neeti Project."
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Written By: Kashmeera Balamurale
Have you experienced a psychological response to any kind of abuse or abusive behavior and/or a peculiar sense of attachment and/or affection displayed by victims/survivors towards their perpetrators?
Theoretically, this experience or state is called a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding can develop within days, weeks or even months, depending largely on each individual. Such an intense bond can occur across various relationships such as:
Is Trauma Bonding the Same as Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm syndrome is a type of trauma bonding, relevant in captive and/or hostage situations. However, this dynamic now encompasses other areas too - sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, child abuse, human sex trafficking, etc. (Zoppi, 2020).
How Can I Recognize a Trauma Bond?
Survivors/victims who are subjected to abuse or violence may unconsciously develop signs that attribute to trauma bonding. It can be useful to take note of those signs and symptoms (Raypole, 2020) (Mallick, 2022):
As a survivor/victim, you may experience:
Are Some People More Vulnerable to Experiencing Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding can be experienced by anyone. However, there are certain groups of people who are more vulnerable to experiencing a trauma bond (Laub, 2022):
1. Individuals with dependent personalities: Some are dependent on their perpetrator financially and emotionally. Those who need their perpetrator as a source of support may experience a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding can develop due to various reasons - some known and others yet to be discovered (Raypole, 2020).
1. Cycle of abuse:
Sharie Stines, PsyD. (September 26, 2018). Why Stockhold Syndrome Happens and How to Help? Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-stockholm-syndrome-happens-and-how-to-help-0926184.
- between members of a family
- amongst friends
- in romantic relationships; and
- at workplace (Zoppi, 2020)
Is Trauma Bonding the Same as Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm syndrome is a type of trauma bonding, relevant in captive and/or hostage situations. However, this dynamic now encompasses other areas too - sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, child abuse, human sex trafficking, etc. (Zoppi, 2020).
How Can I Recognize a Trauma Bond?
Survivors/victims who are subjected to abuse or violence may unconsciously develop signs that attribute to trauma bonding. It can be useful to take note of those signs and symptoms (Raypole, 2020) (Mallick, 2022):
As a survivor/victim, you may experience:
- a constant feeling of pity or sympathy towards the person harming you.
- feeling sorry or sad for your perpetrator’s position or condition.
- have a soft spot for your perpetrator.
- a tendency to forgive them regardless of the harm they inflicted or continue to inflict on you.
- rationalizing or justifying their abusive behavior.
- trying to reason out that it is not the intention of the perpetrator to cause actual harm or abuse, but circumstances have led them to do so.
- in self-blame for not being good enough or for not understanding or fulfilling their needs.
- despising those who are attempting to remove you from the situation.
- perceiving the perpetrator in a positive limelight and unintentionally cast negative thoughts on those who are willing to help you break the bond.
- presuming that whatever said or done by family members, friends and/or mental health professionals is being done to deliberately tarnish the perpetrator’s image.
- refuse to leave the abusive relationship and choose to stay in the relationship despite the gravity of the abuse and/or violence.
- convince yourself that he or she who is harming you will completely change and it is only a matter of time.
- wait it out and put up with the torment till then.
- serve them well regardless of how badly they treat you.
Are Some People More Vulnerable to Experiencing Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding can be experienced by anyone. However, there are certain groups of people who are more vulnerable to experiencing a trauma bond (Laub, 2022):
1. Individuals with dependent personalities: Some are dependent on their perpetrator financially and emotionally. Those who need their perpetrator as a source of support may experience a trauma bond.
2. Individuals with a history of abuse and past trauma: Have a higher likelihood of assuming that abuse in a relationship is normal as they are familiar with that environment.
3. People with existing mental health conditions: Those who have low self esteem, anxiety and/or depression, are more likely (but do not necessarily) experience trauma bonding.
What Causes Trauma Bonding Amongst Survivors/Victims?
What Causes Trauma Bonding Amongst Survivors/Victims?
Trauma bonding can develop due to various reasons - some known and others yet to be discovered (Raypole, 2020).
1. Cycle of abuse:
- Perpetrators resort to showing their target of violence, an act of kindness and/or compassion after the end of each instance of abuse. This includes providing for the victims/ survivors' needs and wants.
- These behaviors influence the survivor/victims emotions, deep hopes, desires and dreams. Consequently, the victim/survivors indulges further in the relationship and may fervently believe that the perpetrator will cease the abuse in due course.
- With prolonged time spent with perpetrators, victims/survivors typically:
- start agreeing with their perpetrator’s ideologies, ideas, views, and reason out the perpetrator’s actions.
- They may justify, tolerate, and create a mindset that suits the perpetrator.
- Defend the perpetrator before other people speak against such abuse.
3. Power of imbalance:
In most instances of abuse, perpetrators are usually in power. It appears easier for perpetrators of violence in situations where victims/survivors:
Although there may be individual differences, trauma bonding in a domestic or intimate partner relationship has 7 stages. Identifying these stages can help victims/survivors understand dynamics with their perpetrator.
1. Love bombing:
Perpetrators typically display high praises towards the survivor/victim and shower them with excessive love and affection by buying them gifts, taking them out for dinners, etc.
This flattery may invoke a sense of euphoria and intense connection within the survivor/victim, causing them to feel incandescently attached to their perpetrators.
2. Trust and Dependency:
Perpetrators attempt to win the survivor/victim's trust and control their self agency. To gain the victims trust, perpetrators will gradually start being in charge of certain aspects of the victim’s life, making them abide by their sense of judgment and choice.
3. Criticisms and Devaluation:
This is a crucial stage in every trauma bonding. Perpetrators criticize, belittle, and demean victims/survivors. Nothing that the victim/survivors do is good enough to please the perpetrator. The survivor/victim may begin to feel less confident or useless.
4.Gaslighting:
In this stage, perpetrators manipulate, twist, or deny facts until the victims/survivors doubt their own sanity. Survivors/victims may experience feeling clouded with confusion until they can no longer think straight.
5. Resigning Control:
Survivors/victims may give in, allowing perpetrators to take control of their life. Survivors/victims may attempt to please perpetrator and compromise on their needs and wants for their perpetrator. This is done to ensure the relationship remains stable or to stray away from abuse escalating further, which cause detrimental effects on the victim/ survivor.
6. Loss of Self:
Survivors/victims may gradually lose their identities and personal boundaries in a trauma bond. They may feel disconnected from reality and less confident in their endeavors as time passes.
7. Emotional Addiction:
Despite the abuse or violence, most survivors/ victims may choose to remain in the relationship. This is your choice. Even after an incident of sexual/gender-based violence, you remain in control over your decisions, choices, and exercise of your agency. No one gets to decide for you or to talk over you, and you are not what happened to you on any account.
(Laub, 2022)
If You Are Contemplating Leaving a Trauma Bonded Relationship, Here Are Some Things You Can Consider:
In most instances of abuse, perpetrators are usually in power. It appears easier for perpetrators of violence in situations where victims/survivors:
- are dependent on their perpetrators, either financially or emotionally.
- rely on their perpetrator for continuous support.
- do not have an alternate place for support or to escape.
Although there may be individual differences, trauma bonding in a domestic or intimate partner relationship has 7 stages. Identifying these stages can help victims/survivors understand dynamics with their perpetrator.
1. Love bombing:
Perpetrators typically display high praises towards the survivor/victim and shower them with excessive love and affection by buying them gifts, taking them out for dinners, etc.
This flattery may invoke a sense of euphoria and intense connection within the survivor/victim, causing them to feel incandescently attached to their perpetrators.
2. Trust and Dependency:
Perpetrators attempt to win the survivor/victim's trust and control their self agency. To gain the victims trust, perpetrators will gradually start being in charge of certain aspects of the victim’s life, making them abide by their sense of judgment and choice.
3. Criticisms and Devaluation:
This is a crucial stage in every trauma bonding. Perpetrators criticize, belittle, and demean victims/survivors. Nothing that the victim/survivors do is good enough to please the perpetrator. The survivor/victim may begin to feel less confident or useless.
4.Gaslighting:
In this stage, perpetrators manipulate, twist, or deny facts until the victims/survivors doubt their own sanity. Survivors/victims may experience feeling clouded with confusion until they can no longer think straight.
5. Resigning Control:
Survivors/victims may give in, allowing perpetrators to take control of their life. Survivors/victims may attempt to please perpetrator and compromise on their needs and wants for their perpetrator. This is done to ensure the relationship remains stable or to stray away from abuse escalating further, which cause detrimental effects on the victim/ survivor.
6. Loss of Self:
Survivors/victims may gradually lose their identities and personal boundaries in a trauma bond. They may feel disconnected from reality and less confident in their endeavors as time passes.
7. Emotional Addiction:
Despite the abuse or violence, most survivors/ victims may choose to remain in the relationship. This is your choice. Even after an incident of sexual/gender-based violence, you remain in control over your decisions, choices, and exercise of your agency. No one gets to decide for you or to talk over you, and you are not what happened to you on any account.
(Laub, 2022)
If You Are Contemplating Leaving a Trauma Bonded Relationship, Here Are Some Things You Can Consider:
- Physically separate yourself from your perpetrator. Some amount of distance may help you see the situation clearly.
- Cutting off all communication with your perpetrators may be useful. Being in touch with the perpetrator may involve manipulation, leading you to go back to the relationship.
- Acknowledge that you have a choice. Everyone has a choice to leave if they want or stay the bond for any reason.
- Self Reflect. To understand your experiences and situation, take some time out and ponder. Think through your decisions and ask yourself if the relationship is really what you want.
- There is the option of seeking professional treatment or therapy. professional counseling may assist you helping you understand your thoughts, feelings, and circumstances better.
- Speaking to family members or friends may be helpful. Abuse can lower one’s self-esteem. Talking it out with trusted family members and/or close acquaintances can help empower and uplift your spirits.
- Seek a support group may be useful. Perspectives and opinions from different people apart from your usual group of friends and family members can provide you with a different approach to your situation.
- There remains the option of contacting relevant authorities. You can call up any authority in your area to report on the perpetrator if you choose to. This can help protect you from further abuse and can hold perpetrators accountable and avoid re-offence (Raypole, 2020).
- Remember: You have the freedom to decide to do any, all, or none of these and no one gets to question your decision or to force their decisions on you.
References
Crystal Raypole. (November 24, 2020). How to Recognize and Break Traumatic Bonds. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#takeaway.
Erica Laub. (August 29, 2022). The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding. Retrieved from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/.
Jamie Eske. (October 1, 2020). What is Stockholm Syndrome? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/stockholm-syndrome#summary
Louis Zoppi. (November 26, 2020). What is Trauma Bonding? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#breaking-the-bond.
Mrittika Mallick. (August 31, 2022). What is Trauma Bonding?; Unpacking the Cyclical Patterns in Abusive Relationships. Retrieved from https://feminisminindia.com/2022/08/31/what-is-trauma-bonding-unpacking-the-cyclical-patterns-in-abusive-relationships/.Sharie Stines, PsyD. (September 26, 2018). Why Stockhold Syndrome Happens and How to Help? Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-stockholm-syndrome-happens-and-how-to-help-0926184.
Stockholm Syndrome. Retrieved from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome.
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