Bystander Intervention: The DO's & DONT's of Responding to a SGBV Disclosure

 “Hello there! I’m here to provide you with a bit of information on the things you can do and say, and actions and statements that are a big  "No-No" while you are  supporting a loved one or an acquaintance through their journey of recovery and healing.  I would like to remind you that suggestions on this post should not be taken as medical advice, therapy, or as a one-size-fits-all approach.  Try to keep in mind that every survivor's journey of  experiencing and navigating through stress or trauma is distinctive because every person is truly unique!  What the survivor is  undergoing after having confronted a traumatic experience is normal. What you are going through while supporting a survivor is absolutely okay and typical too!  If you need additional resources or just someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to The Neeti Project."

What is SGBV? 

• SGBV is short for Sexual and Gender-Based Violence

What is a Sexual Violation? 

A sexual violation is when one person makes sexual advances towards another person, such that the person who is at the receiving end of the sexual advances, feels discomfort because their personal boundaries are being invaded. 'Sexual violation' is an umbrella term and the term 'sexual violence' can be categorized under 'sexual violations'. Sexual violations do not involve consent. 

What is Sexual Violence? 

Sexual violence is when a person forcefully engages in sexual behavior with another person or attempts to receive sexual acts from another person through compulsion, force, or violence. Sexual violence does not involve consent. 

What is Gender-Based Violence? 

Gender-based violence is when a person or group engages in violence against another person or group because of their identified gender. It also refers to how certain genders are more prone to being targets of violence because of their gender. 

What is a Disclosure? 

A disclosure is when a person conveys a certain private or secret information to another person or a group of people. In this instance, the private or secret information pertains to the sexual and gender-based violence or violation the survivor confronted. 

DO's and DONT'S when the Survivor IS Present Near You: 

The DO's: 

• Find a private place to talk. 
• Assure the survivor that they are in a safe space. 
• Communicate your concern and support - nodding, facing the survivor, seating yourself at the same eye level as the survivor, can help. 
• Listen carefully to what the survivor says.
• Allow the to survivor to maintain as much control over the pace of disclosure. 
•  Allow the survivor to reveal information that they want to disclose.  
• Offer breaks whenever needed at appropriate moments when the survivor is communicating. 
• Acknowledge the survivor's courage. 
• Validate the survivors feelings. 
• Ask if the survivor wants physical contact, like a hug or to hold your hand, etc. Do not initiate these gestures without the survivor's consent. 
• Offer other objects like a pillow, soft toy, or blanket as these items may provide warmth or comfort to the survivor. 
• If the survivor appears to relive the traumatic event and has heightened emotions, you can guide them through a few grounding techniques. 
• Allow the survivor to decide what decisions best suit their circumstances.
• Ask the survivor if they have other informal support systems- friends, family, colleagues, etc. Ask if they would like to reach out to them for additional support. 
• If you are aware of any resources, let the survivor know what their options are by gauging whether it is the correct time and space for the survivor to listen to these alternatives. Example: medical assistance, counseling, individual legal advice, reporting, etc. 
• Respect the survivor’s choice to report the incident or incidents.
• You can offer to sit with the survivor if they have opted to make a call to any particular survivor support services. 
• You can offer to accompany the survivor if they have opted to make a visit to any particular survivor support services. 

The DONT's: 

• Do not judge the survivor for the experience they have just confronted. 
• Do not give extreme reactions such as being overly shocked. 
• Do not interrupt the survivor while they are communicating. 
• Do not make dismissive or victim blaming comments, questioning the survivor’s behavior or experience. Keep in mind that survivors did not "put themselves" in  particular situations. Perpetrators are responsible for not understanding consent or behaving unlawfully. 
• Do not ask questions that make you sound like you don't believe the survivor 
• Do not ask for specific or unnecessary details about the incident as this could make the survivor feel they are being cross-examined or could retrigger emotions they experienced during the incident. 
• Try not to focus on your feelings while the survivor is recounting their experience. 
• Do not begin divulging a similar event you may have confronted to the survivor. 
• Do not provide them with advice.  
• Do not initiate physical contact with the survivor, without their consent. 
• Do not rush the survivor to make a decision about the next steps. 
• Do not pressure the survivor to seek further assistance if they do not want to do so. 

Things to Say and Not Say to a Survivor: 

The Says: 

• "I am glad you are telling me about this."
• "I hear what you're saying."
• "The reactions you are experiencing now are normal."
• "Whatever happened, was not your fault." 
• "I will do whatever I can to help you get the support you need."

The Don't Says: 

• "What did you expect from ______?
• "I told you this could happen if you weren't careful."
• "Are you serious?"
• "Did that really happen?"
• "What were you wearing when this happened?" 
• "Where did this happen?" 
• "Why did you go there?" 
• "I feel really sad, angry, frustrated, etc. hearing this!" 
• "You know, _______ happened to me too."
• "Why didn't you fight back?" 
• "Why didn't you immediately report to the police?" 
• "Why are staying in contact with the perpetrator after what they did to you?"
• "I promise you everything is going to be okay."

References: 

Ending Violence Association of BC. (n.d.). Responding to a sexual assault disclosure: Practice tips for universities and colleges. Retrieved from https://endingviolence.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/EVA_PracticeTips_UniversitiesColleges_vF.pdf

How to respond to a disclosure. (n.d.). Retrieved from The Centre for Sexual Violence Response, Support, and Education: https://thecentre.yorku.ca/how-to-respond-to-a-disclosure/